I wanted the comfort of others. I wanted to be in the company of others. I didn’t want to be left out. I didn’t want to be all alone. Unfortunately, life thought otherwise.
I was not that great at making friends. I had a hard time talking with people I haven’t met yet. This social ineptness has been with me since I was born.
When a baby is born, they are born with an innate temperament that is not influenced by surroundings nor genetics. It is separated into two categories; high reactive and low reactive. The high reactive category can be separated into sub categories: sensitive and aggressive. I was born with the sensitive temperament. People with the sensitive temperament usually are fussy, timid, nervous, shy, and more likely to show their emotions.
But even with these ideas of temperaments, humans are a social species. We want to be with others. We want to interact and connect to each other. I truly want to have friends who will laugh, talk, help, and other things friends would do. But as I said, life finds a way.
I never made friends in preschool. I just tolerated it. I preferred to draw and read by myself. I specifically remembered staying awake during nap-time to read and wait for my parents to pick me up. When I got to kindergarten, I actually made a friend. He approached me first To me, he was the coolest person around. He introduced me to more and more people and as he did that, I slowly gained more self-confidence. But in the third grade, I passed the GATE Test for the GATE Program. The GATE Program stood for the “Gifted and Talented Education Program.” It was a test to find kids who were smarter than others. I was one of only five kids to pass in my school. I had to transfer to another school because there was not a GATE Program class in my school.
I lost everyone. I had no more friends. Strangers surround me once again. I had to start all over again. Or did I? As I said before, four other kids passed the test with me. So I thought, “All I need to do is attach myself to one of them that knows me and then I will gain friends again.” I did so and then I gained friends yet again. It was a perfect plan. I had a group that I continuously played with. We even had a group name. But life struck once again.
Nearing the end of the fourth grade my mother got a better job at another bank. The problem was that it would become hard to drive my brother and me to our different schools. My parents then decided to transfer both of us to schools closer to my mom’s work. I lost my friends once again. I was surrounded by strangers for a third time.
I had no one to help me this time. Everyone had already made their groups and cliques by the fifth grade. I had nobody. I couldn’t really talk to anyone because I always depended on someone else. I never got to develop my social skills because of that. At this school, the closest thing to a friend that I had was a kid that asked for a piece of my lunch everyday. I walked around the perimeter of the blacktop for fun for a month. I developed a long time habit because of that, but that is irrelevant. I finally made friends when a kid asked if I wanted to join their game of handball. I agreed and I didn’t regret it. I became integrated with this group of friends. I would consider them to be the closest I have ever been to a group from school. I got invited to parties and would hang out with them every chance I got.
We all went to the same middle school, which was great. The great thing about the GATE Program, which I didn’t experience in the other school, was that everyone in it had at least four classes together. This allowed me to actually try to develop my social skills since I was stuck with them for three years. I got to have more friends than I ever did before. But life had other plans.
In high school, I thought that my group of friends would stick together just like how we did in middle school. That wasn’t the case. One friend went to a private school. The rest joined clubs and sports and began to hang out with the people in those groups. I was left alone. My social skills were still underdeveloped. I became desperate. I looked for a person or a group to latch onto. I did find one within the first week, but it was not a good decision. They were not a good influence. They were rude and not that intelligent. Some of them did things that I would consider to be morally wrong. It, unfortunately, took me over a year to realize this. Maybe it wasn’t that it took me a year to realize this, but it took me a year to break my fear of being alone again if I left them. I found a group that I believed was full of good people and joined them. I’ve been with them ever since.
I’m still afraid. I know that our group with break off when we go our separate ways to different colleges. I don’t want to be alone again, but I know it will happen. I just want people to remember me. I joke around, make fun at myself, and laugh a lot to make sure at least one person remembers me. If one person remembers me, I won’t feel as lonely anymore. I will try to make the most of the time I have left before we all go about our separate paths. I just hope that I won’t be forgotten.